Help, how can I change my life for the better?

The first time I smoked marijuana, I was alone, by myself in my dad's car, it was an odd situation but it was happening. I was always curious about the drug, I've heard that it was the safest way to alter one's mind and was even appealed at the spiritual side of the substance, it's usage as a method of revealing the inner workings of one's mind and as a tool by which one could finally comprehend what it was that one exactly wanted. I was at that awkward age where I was between a boy and a man, I had mentally picked away a wall of ignorance I was once protected behind and was shown the road by which I must travel to become a man. I was more receptive than my peers and when I was shown the face of God, the face of reality, I could not cope. I saw things and felt things that most would have shrugged off but I felt it as if it was a moment in time etched forever into my mind. Then,at my weakest hour, when I was not sure of what I wanted, what I needed, even what was what in the world, I discovered Mary Jane, a friend who was more loyal, consistent and likable than any real human could ever hope to be. Mary Jane was a friend like no other, she comforted me at my moments of weakness, of sadness, of events that I just could not handle, she was there at my moments of joy, when I was happy, she could always make me happier. I was disillusioned into believing that I was in control, that this was just an experiment, but slowly I built a cocoon around myself, a mental sanctuary where I didn't have to take on the full fury of the world, a state where I was too artificial to feel anything, pain or pleasure. I sacrificed emotion, all emotion either joyous or painful in order to enter a state of consciousness so diluted that nothing could harm me, a state where I felt safe. I did not discover until much, much later what I had become, emotionless and disillusioned all the time, I was happy, not because of the artificial euphoria but because I was so no-responsive, I had not felt the roar of reality for as long as I had MJ by my side. I could have done other drugs, freed myself completely, but I was not so weak as to think I did not have to contribute to this world, so I choose Marijuana, a drug where I can obtain a state of mind that was bearable to me and still be able to contribute to society. It is here I find myself today, a state where I choose not to feel because it is too vulnerable and it is here I choose to stay. One day, I may wake up, remissness about the potential of my life and suddenly go : My life would have been so much better if only I had brought TiVo, So here's my question guys, is TiVo worth it, will it change my life?